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  • Cannibals don t drink coffee. They have a cup of Joe instead.
  • Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving the party at 9.:30
  • Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self-pleasuring. l accidentally
    honked like 8 times.
  • Forecast for today: Unproductive with a chance of a late drinking session.
  • My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
  • Having a toddler IS like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
  • I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
  • If someone tells you it’s better than the sex they re not doing the sex right.
  • Let’s not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple of people we would swear were
    zombies so we could shoot them
  • why would anyone want a baby? t’s just another thing you have to clean
  • Was that lightning?… No, they’re taking pictures for Google Earth.
  • If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return Monday.
  • When I’m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
  • The irony is paying a therapist to listen to how you don’t like talking to other people.
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