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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

  • What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
  • Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
  • I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
  • Rapper “Im killing them snitches, smacking them bitches, smoking blunts and f’ckin hoes!” “wins award” Rapper: “I just wanna thank god.”
  • You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.
  • Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
  • The moment of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
  • I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
  • When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
  • I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
  • Taught a man how to buy fish. So much easier.
  • Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
  • If you receive something that says, ‘Send it to all your friends”, then please don’t consider me as your friend.
  • Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we’re all squared up?
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